Ways To Drive Your Wife Crazy
As I get on in years, amusements become limited (can’t begin to snowboard, lost my ability to have sex for more than five or six hours, and I’m totally out of the Iron Man competition this season). So, I find myself resorting to the simple pleasures of food…and driving my wife crazy.
Recently, I came upon an excellent way to push her buttons, nudge her over the edge, shake up the bats in the belfry. What I do is a passable impersonation of Richard M. Nixon. With my receding hairline, burgeoning jowls and haunted expression, I can pretty much stir up the sweaty, nervous, fundamentally twisted and insincere attitude appropriate to the Madman of Key Biscayne.
Very unfortunate collateral effects are that the kids are clearly unnerved too, and my youngest daughter says I scare her when I do Nixon but, hey, it drives the wife crazy, so sacrifices must be made.
My role model for this new and fun activity is Anthony Hopkins in “Nixon.” I think of all the great Nixon-actors, and Hopkins though he looks not an inch like Dick perfectly conveys the sad and potentially world-destroying insanity of our 37th President.
Anyhow, I find that Nixon is an excellent vehicle for driving the spouse to Happytown.
I also like turning on the stereo and sitting in the closet with a Mister Microphone when the wife gets home from work, there’s an empty house and just my ghostly voice, booming, commanding her to make martinis and dinner. It’s great.
Anyhow, I’m interested in any suggestions people might have for driving their wives (or husbands) crazy. I just wish there was some way to make money at it I’m thinking of turning pro.